Our lives are pretty much defined by
uncomfortable confrontations. Just look at
every single relationship you've ever had. Every single one of them, except the one you're currently in (if that's even the case), has
failed. And if you do happen to be in a relationship now, and it follows the precedent you have infallibly set, it will fail
as well. Just look at all of the
italics I'm using. You know I'm right. And the vast majority of break ups represent an uncomfortable confrontation, to the point that most men would rather get in a fight with a gorilla than go through a break up (gorilla not shown). OJ has gone through so many of these unappetizing proceedings that, if you were to follow the previous analogy through, he would have had to fight every single ape in Africa.
If there were a beer bottle-opening contest, I would score last place. I'm like a fat person who doesn't know how to use a microwave.
I think any awkward experience you could ever imagine happening to a human being has happened to OJ, whether it involves a female or otherwise. All in one day. Let me give you an example of a typical day in the life of OJ.
7:45am: OJ wakes up next to a girl he has never met in his life. He debates sneaking out of his room, then passes out again.
9:00am: OJ is rudely awoken by the strange woman giving him a blowjob, at the same moment which he receives a phone call, which follows thus:
Girl on phone: OJ, I just had to call you and tell you that I'm in love with you.
OJ: I can't talk to you right now; I'm inside some chick. *CLICK*
Strange girl (muffled): Who was that?
OJ: Some fat chick. Shut up and finish up. What's your name by the way?
11:15am: OJ goes downstairs to find his roommate lying naked on top of the television, and a strange man he also has never met is playing video games on said TV, occasionally leaning down to look at the screen below the roommate's prostrated body.
OJ: Who the fuck are you?
Man: I'm your new housemate. Your roomy invited me to live here.
OJ: Are you going to pay rent?
Man: I'm a good friend.
OJ: Are you going to pay rent?
Man: Don't worry, I'm a really chill guy. I'll just sleep on the couch.
OJ: Are you going to pay rent?
Man: ... I brought muffins.
OJ: Why the fuck didn't you say so in the first place.
11:18am: OJ goes into the kitchen to get breakfast, and finds his dad and his ex-girlfriend sitting at the kitchen table. Standing behind them is the guy who's car OJ ran into yesterday after leaving Defensive Driving class (drunk).
OJ's dad: Do you really live in this squalor? And why are there naked people lying all over your house?
OJ's ex: OJ, I'm pregnant.
Guy: I'm going to kill you.
OJ: Hold on a sec, I left my pants in my car.
12:09pm: OJ shows up at Fuzzy's house.
Fuzzy: Where are your pants?
OJ: Some random chick is lying on top of them in my bedroom.
Fuzzy: Do you want a beer?
OJ: God yes.
12:30pm: Fuzzy goes back to work. OJ goes to a bar.
Bartender: Hi.
OJ: Enough small talk, get me a beer.
Bartender: Only after you pay last night's bar tab.
OJ: Oh ok (pulling out his wallet).
Bartender: You owe $472.
OJ: Oh look, I left my credit card in my car. Be right back.
12:32pm: OJ steps out of the bar and runs into his girlfriend's best friend, whom he accidentally fucked two nights previous.
OJ: This is awkward.
Girl: Is that all you're going to say?
OJ: I love salsa.
11:37pm: OJ shows up at home, fucked in half drunk, parks on his front lawn, and climbs in through a window.
OJ: Did, uh, everyone leave?
Roomy: Yeah.
OJ: You look a lot less naked than you did this morning.
Roomy: I think I accidentally pissed in your laundry basket.
OJ: No, that was me.
11:59pm: OJ blacks out.
Whoever thinks a life of sloth and alcoholism is easy should think twice. Good night.
~Fuzzy
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