I've got a jug full of Haterade for Cafe Press. Time to pour some cups!

Actually, I'll preface this with the following: I don't hate the Cafe Press storefront. I hate what people use it for.

I hate it all, almost universally.

There are a lot of webcomics that have a grand archive of three strips in the can, who have already launched their own forum and a Café Press store front. The forum thing bothers me on a whole 'nother level, but the Cafe Press merch? More often than not it's insulting.

Why do some people think that their web comic's logo, with huge text for the site's url right below it, is somehow desirable? Would anyone give a rat's sphincter for Shuriken Diaries' logo across their bosom? Right now, definitely no. In the future? God I hope not.

It takes balls to think that people really do anjoy being walking advertisements for obscure web comics, especially at the price you gotta pay for a Cafe Press tee. What really irks me, though, is that the logo is wantonly slapped across every piece of merch available in the store, regardless of whether or not the site logo (with huge url, natch) even looks nice on a white shirt with red sleeves. Or on a coffee mug. Or on a trucker cap.

It just gets pasted everywhere.

I understand there are plusses to such merch. You don't lose anything by just having them at the ready, so to speak. You don't need to run a preorder.

Most of all, you don't even have to put any thought into the merch, at all.

The thing is, you really really should put the thought in. Consider the color of the tee you're slapping your logo onto. Consider the material of the tee, the brand of the tee even. What feels better, an AA shirt, or maybe a fruit of the loom? Would it make more sense to have something else on the shoulder, instead of front and center on the shirt breast?

Do you really want to make a small mark up using Cafe Press when you can set up a preorder that can pay for itself before you even screenprint the first tee? Most major cities have multiple stores that are perfectly capable of turning out quality merch if you provide them with the proper content and direction. Even better, you can test samples, decide what kind of manufacturing process to use (screen print vs iron on, for instance), see if that red shirt's color would actually make a good red for the bloody outline in your vampire shirt, etc etc.

Lastly, back on the whole logo and url front and center thing, could the merch be any less interesting? If you bring that merch to a small con, who's going to buy it? There's no chance of even somewhat appealing to people who don't fall into the small die hard fanbase you may have. Regardless of my ninja bias, I still think Chris Hasting's merch available on Dr McNinja is some of the best merch a web comic has made available. You have a baby dracula, a pseudo pamphlet on how to properly use chainsaw nunchucks, Ninjas can't catch you if you're on fire, What Would Batman Do, etc.

Sure, many of them somehow relate to his comic, but they aren't the god damn panels they were mentioned in just slapped across a white shirt with no rhyme or reason. They were reimagined, and perhaps most importantly , you don'thave to be a fan of Dr McNinja to think Chainsaw Nunchucks are awesome. It's that kind of thinking that's allowed Chris Hastings to make a living off of selling this merch. Other stores with awesome stuff that you don't necessarily have to be a fan of the comic to enjoy include the TopatoCo store (overcompensating), Dinosaur Comics' store, and Penny-Arcade's stuff.

Notice a pattern here? No Cafe Press logo on the front crap, and the stuff actually sells to people other than their close friends and relatives. Sure, they have HUGE fanbases, and that's not due to their awesome merch, but they have huge fanbases because they're extremely creative and good at what they do, and have used those same skills and talents and applied them to their merchandise.

Definitely lastly finally endingly, Shuriken Diaries doesn't have any merch available, nor will it for sometime barring a miracle. In the meantime, feel free to visit it, bookmark it, and pour your magic love juice all over it. The more juice it gets, the sooner I can sell a trucker cap that says http://shurikendiaries.com across the front of it.

This has been an obviously subjective rant and in no way is meant to represent your cafe press storefront. I'm sure it's awesome. Really.