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Man Speak

It's generally the female gender that's attributed with a subtle and nigh incomprehensible sub-language. However, men are also occasionally capable of some trans-lingual word juggling, kind of like the way I just juggled "trans" and "lingual" together in a poor attempt to demonstrate intelligence. It's akin to trying to juggle two balls and hitting myself in the face with both of them at the same time. If I were to juggle eight balls simultaneously while standing on one hand, you'd go "huh, that's mildly interesting." Hitting myself in the face though would instantly generate laughter, followed by, "What an idiot." The latter is more entertaining and far easier. So fuck you Cirque de Soleil.

What the hell was I even talking about?

Oh right. Usually when women communicate with one another in their complex language that I like to call "inane babble", any man trying to understand them would glaze over and sit dumbfounded with his mouth hanging open. When two guys communicate in "man speak", any woman trying to understand them would explain her confusion with, "You guys are retards." In a sense, she would be right. Whereas a girl tries to make everything as complicated as possible, a guy tries to dumb it down as much as possible, for example by using the word "shit" in place of every noun or the word "fuck" in place of every other word. "Fuck, I fucked my shit up on the fucking shit." He sure did.

We guys like things simple. Give us a cold beer and a warm wet hole and we're good. The first item we can get with a quick run to the gas station. The second, sadly, blows any futile hope we had of keeping things simple. I feel though that I have mastered the female tongue, or at least that I can fake mastery. I'm going to give you the secret of how I do it. Ready? It's fantastic. So the girl says something. Anything. It doesn't matter what. It doesn't matter what the words themselves are, and it doesn't matter what the astronomically convoluted secret meaning behind the words is. You always give the same response, and it can be broken down into two very simple steps:

1. Raise your eyebrow. *
2. Smirk.

And that's it!

I'm a fucking genius.


* Make sure to raise only one eyebrow. If you raise both, you will look alarmed, which is what every other guy does. If you can't raise only one, then you're fucked for life.

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