Skip to main content

Aggravated Assault 2

Even the noblest of heroes must do mundane day-to-day tasks. The difference though is that for Roger Boring, most of his life is mundane, while we superheroes might spend only 30 seconds a day wiping our asses. The average person gets her 15 minutes of fame at some point in her life, whereas superheroes only get 15 minutes of non-fame, during which they cook their noodles and water their plants. And if you're a sexy female superhero with large breasts, even the simple task of watering your plants takes on a magical quality. Of course, you could be rescuing babies from a burning van and we'd still be staring at your chest. "You just saved eight children? Oh, uuuuh, well those spandex tights look really good on you."

Often superheroes can have a big ego, even when they're sitting around scratching their balls. The proof of this is famous actors. They'll do shit like throw phones at hotel concierges, go on religious tirades after getting arrested for drunk driving, or just tip their waitress badly. I mean, I do all that shit too, so you don't have to be famous, but you get my point. Well, ok, I don't undertip, so fuck you cheap-asses, but I also don't appreciate finding a penis floating in my soup... or whatever. Now you take someone with an already engorged sense of self, and give them superpowers. That's just a recipe for sauteed asshole. I mean, why would you not shove a cop's pants down his esophagus (which I just tried spelling ass-of-a-goose) for pulling you over? You're a god damned superhero! What the hell is anyone going to do to you? "Well, Superman, you singed off your doctor's ass hairs with your laser vision just cuz he prescribed you Lavitra so that you could remain 'stronger than steel.' That's assault in the third degree." Fuck you dick; I'm just going to fly away and go spy on your wife in the shower with my x-ray vision. There's only so long a superhero would remain strong and righteous before he realizes that he'd have way more fun fucking with humanity.

I'm a terrible person.

Honestly though, I get pissed at superheroes. I mean, they get all these awesome fucking powers for free, just by getting bit by an insect, or taking a swim in radioactive acid, or by getting hit by Anna Nicole's titties (um, cold lifeless titties at this point I guess... Christ this is getting awkward). And those are all very good and justifiable reasons to develop super strength, or be able to walk through walls, or be able to squeeze shrimp fried rice out your ass, or whatever the fuck these guys do these days. And then, THEN, they whine all the time about how hard it is to be a hero, about how nobody appreciates them for them, and how despite the fact they could fuck every single woman in the world, there's that one barely attractive trailer trash reject who doesn't love them. Since when did every single hero ever turn into an emo punk? "Waaaah, I'm a bubbling vagina, because big manly balls are like kryptonite to me." I'm more manly taking a shit than these guys are blowing up asteroids. I think the saddest thing is that the only really manly superheroes are the fucking chicks! I've never seen a female hero who wasn't a huge badass. Don't get me wrong, I still never look above her neckline, but regardless, she doesn't sit around moping when she has some damage she could be out doing. It kind of makes sense though. Superheroes are generally invented by nerds who jerk off to pictures of Jeri Ryan in a dark dirty bedroom. To wrap this up, the common man has reason to have self-respect, because his whole life is a struggle. The next time I hear a superhero whining, I'm going to punch him in the fucking jaw. I'll break my hand doing it, but it's the freaking principle.

My face is numb. I'm drunker than usual.


Read the comic!