I Hate You All by Dalton Wemble
Gaming Comics: Child's Play!
The scuttlebutt is, last month there was quite a tizzy in these august pages over a few reviews of some sub-simian nerdlaff generators called "Gaming Comics." I, sequestered in the Cave of Bitterness, came in rather late – after the Big Crash – but was told by the breathless wonders that inhabit this site that some not-entirely-positive reviews of the not-remotely-good comics Cornhole-Arrgh-Delight and Litigious Gamerz drew thousands of ireful comments from their so-called "fan community."
Apparently, thought I, the qualifiers for "community" have diminished somewhat since the halcyon days of my youth. Way back when – and I know this will spin some of your heads out of control, so grab those reins and shove the bit way back in your mouth, you reprobate little anarchists – before cell phones, before the Internet, "community" meant something more than "a loose-knit group of slack-jawed smacktards that happen to geegaw over the same poorly rendered mundanity festival." It was people who generally had, I dunno, something in common beyond some piece of pixellated flotsam.
Oh, how times have changed. I hear we'll have a moon base soon, too. Better not criticize the moon, you freaks, or you'll be hearing from the moon base fan "community."
The "gamer comic community," carries about as much weight as "the Urkel fan club," and I suspect the member base is pretty much exactly the same.
Most of you don't care two good goddamns about that, though. You've seen the rage and frantic mastabatory madness that followed some pretty levelheaded reviews, and you've been wondering...
"How do I get a pack of socially inept losers to dote on my every word?"
Brace yourselves, you would-be leaders of the L33T! You bastions of the basement-dwellers! And watch in shock and yea, awe, as I, Dalton Wemble, pull a page from the mighty book of Bullwinkle J. Moose...
HEY, ROCKY! WATCH ME PULL A GAMING COMIC OUT OF MY ASS!
Okay, down to business. What? Who's Bullwinkle? Get back to the boob tube, Junior, Teletubbies is on.
Grrreat. Okay, first things first: get a couple of characters. Or a square and a circle. Or a piece of wood and a rubber band. Whatever. As long as you can draw word balloons, you're golden. Let's say, for the sake of ease, we got a ... uh... cactus, and ... uh... Robbie the Robot.
Goddamn. Great. Goddamn. Robbie's gonna bring in the pathetic kitschsuckers that want to be hip, too. What? Who's Robbie the Robot? Your blankie's there in the corner, kid. Go suck it.
Now we need a script. A hilarious, thigh-slapping... no, wait. Just a script. Next stop: Gamespot. Here we go...
Okay. Top of the page, something called "Tenchu," which sounds like another nine of those goddamn Pokemans got together and formed a gang, but whatever. It's "hot." Gamers will think you're "happening."
So what about Tenchu? Okay, it looks kinda... asian. Called "Tenchu, Return from Darkness." Reading the first sentence of the article... WARNING! DO NOT READ MORE THAN THE FIRST SENTENCE! After that, you start needing to "concentrate" and it takes valuable time away from being the best gunner in Wolfenstein: Castle of the Bird Men, or the hell.
"The Tenchu series has always stood apart from other games starring ninjas because of its much more realistic approach to presenting the fast-paced ninja lifestyle."
Ninja. Series. That's all we need to know. Now we write our script.
Okay, Robbie is gonna be the sensible character and Cactus is going to be the wild character. Because he's spikey. This is called "symbolism," or "resonance," or something. Some kid in Grade Eight will write a 100-word "essay" about it. Unfortunately, you're aiming for something far below his reading level.
Here's the formula. Ready?
1. Bit of game-related news.
2. Negative response to game-related news.
3. Hilariously overstated violent or histrionic response.
And HERE WE GO!
...GOOD GOD, I just got 342 e-mails telling me I am the funniest thing since Milton Berle. And YOU CAN TOO!
Here are a few more things to toss into the formula:
1. Hardware developments and rumors also apply as current "gamer nooz"
2. Use third-grade insults like "pussy," "looser," "retard," etc. Pepper your phrases for a "streetwise" atmosphere.
3. Try to keep up on the L33T. It's not hard. Just pop into a chatroom for thirty seconds and jot some of that crap down.
4. Never forget: your readers want to feel like you're speaking to them. In this case, you're trying to justify the fact that they are wasting every productive hour of their lives as slackjawed droolers trying to use a "joy stick" to make their pixels fire pixels at other pixels being controlled by a 46-year-old fat man named Brock who calls himself SugaBlossom69 and who they have been trying to get to "go private" all night.
5. Pick a cool name that has something to do with computers or games or something. I am going to call my comic "Refresh Ratez." The "z" gives it a bit of "kick" at the end.
6. If you can draw boobs, nothing can stand in your way.
What? Want another?
Here you go. For free, no less.
Hell, I'm going daily. And if you do too, I want a cut.
Next month: RPG Comics Made Easy, or "IF YOU'VE EVER NOTICED THAT THE WAY THINGS WORK IN A GAME IS NOT 100% LIKE YOUR OWN STUPID BORING LIFE, YOU'VE FOUND A SURE-FIRE SHORTCUT TO HILARITY!"
Dalton Wemble is a staff contributor for the Comixpedia. As always, we have no idea what he's been smoking.