El Santo vs. The Vampire Women: School Bites
Submitted by El Santo on October 7, 2009 - 13:25
Names carry with them the heavy weight of expectations. Say your name is Charlotte Webb, like the heroine of School Bites. Surely you should be spending your days hanging around in the rafters of some barnyard and spinning words like “radiant” or “some pig.” Not so with Charlotte. Perhaps that was her destiny, but it all changed that fateful day she she found out she was a vampire.
This may be why she changes her name to Cherri Creeper. Sure, it still sounds like she should be a rollergirl with the Yakima Valley Vixens instead, but it can passably be a vampire’s name, too. Plus she’s got a cherry embroidered in her t-shirt. That counts for something.
Speaking of names, School Bites is written by Holly Golightly, who by all rights should be a Bond Girl rather than a comic book creator. I was delighted to find out that Ms. Golightly already had a few comics in print, most with gothic overtones: Nightmare Theatre, Archie Comics’ Sabrina, and Vampfire. When not drawing comic books, she’s apparently living the life and dressing up in skull tees like a real life Abby Scuito (and I think I just might get my ass kicked with that last comment).
According to her site, Ms. Golightly also likes to be referred to as “Holly G”, which I won’t be using in this review unless it’s preceded with “The Divine.”
Vampire Cherri wakes up in the alley to the horror — or more accurately, mild discomfort — that she has some blood in her mouth. The feeling passes when she discovers that she’s a vampire. About twenty years ago, this would be followed by angst and moaning over the accursedness of being the undead. This is the 21st Century, though, and Lore Sjoberg’s bold prediction of the appearance of “airbrushed posters of sad vampires in Wal-Marts everywhere” has, thanks to Stephenie Meyer, since been fulfilled. Cherri is, in fact, rather intrigued and stoked about her vampirism … and judging from her facial expressions, more than a little stimulated.
And why not? Vampirism in School Bites comes with a buffet of perks. You get your own pet bat, a pair of leathery wings, and for some reason, elf ears. Which makes me wonder why she assumed she was a vampire rather than, say, a harpy or a succubus or a World of Warcraft night elf.
Her transformation also attracts the notice of a vampire who seems to have gotten lost on the way to MatrixCon. Surprisingly, it turns out that this vampire is a dude. This must be one of those bishonen types I hear so much about. The character profile identifies him as Professor Seraphis profile: “The Dark Angel that teaches History of Vampires. Usually his class is too busy drooling over his gorgeousness to learn anything.”
It can be no coincidence that Marvel also introduced an X-Men manga where Magneto is a sexy professor who has a class too busy drooling over his gorgeousness to learn anything. Someone should take these dudes aside and say, “Mind if you take the gorgeousness down a bit? Perhaps skip the blush and eye shadow today? I mean, you look dead sexy, but we’re a little concerned we might lose our accreditation with all the young girls thrusting themselves at you rather than learning their lessons like they’re supposed to.”
Cherry gets invited to join Shadow Academy, whose exterior suspiciously looks like a cardboard standee for tourists. Shadow Academy is an equal opportunity school, with eye candy for both the girls and the boys. While the gals get to drool over Prof. Seraphis, the boys will be delighted to find out that the lady teachers all look like sexy librarians.
Interestingly, student orientation apparently involves losing all your clothes and going completely starkers (link NSFW). As with all things vampire, Cherri finds this experience to be rather exhilarating. At this point, I should inform you that Ms. Golightly’s husband is none other than comic veteran Jim Balent. Many of you may know him as the creator of the cheesecakey Tarot (whose oft naked title character is, incidentally, modeled after Ms. Golightly). Personally, El Santo fondly remembers his artistic run on the Catwoman comic, where Ms. Kyle wore a practically painted on outfit and her boobs were approvingly prominent and statuesque.
Wait, where was I?
Ah yes, initiation by nudity. By the way, dear readers, don’t worry about Cherri’s clothes. The Divine Miss Holly G explains quite nicely that her clothes get stored into a secure safety deposit box. Seriously, if that glaring plot hole wasn’t explained, I wasn’t sure if I could keep on reading this webcomic.
As we catch up to the current strip (as of October 6), we discover that Cherri is very excited to start school, especially after finding out that tuition is free. However, her dreams are somewhat tempered when she discovers that they have to wear uniforms. Uniforms are totes lame! I haven’t glimpsed those outfits yet, but I predict they’re something along the lines of the “naughty Catholic schoolgirl” variety with a 100% chance of the skirts being very, very short.
Notable contributions to the vampire woman genre:
Lady vampires seem to have heart shaped pubes (link NSFW).
Cherri: “I’m a… I’m a… Vampire! Kewl!”
Important Life Lessons:
If you ever find yourself wearing a scantily clad outfit and waking from unconsciousness in a dark, dirty alley in the middle of the night while blood pours out of your mouth, it may be the first sign that there are great things in store for you in your future.
El Santo’s predictions for where this story will go in the span of a year:
Meeting Professor Seraphis face to face, finally, and drooling over his gorgeousness. Also, given the intimate nature of the school initiation sequence, a special episode about the importance of getting yearly mammograms is not out of the question.