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El Santo vs. The Vampire Women: Juliette: Worst Vampire Ever

So if the last few entries of “El Santo vs. The Vampire Women” have had you feeling like a pedophile, I offer you a deep apology. It really is not that easy finding comics about vampire women where the main character doesn’t look like a preteen. That’s pretty much the case, at least, with any webcomic where the styles bear overtly Japanese influences. To find stories with more mature looking vampire ladies, we have to turn our attention overseas.

OK, so technically the protagonist of Juliette: Worst Vampire Ever is still in high school. You wouldn’t know it by looking at her, though. She looks like she’s being played by someone over 25.

Zuda Comics seems to be committed to becoming DC Comics’ reigning horror division. So it should be no surprise that a lot of the Zuda contestants take the horror route as well. Juliette is but one of many examples residing in the vast grave yard that is the Zuda former competitors archives. The comic didn’t fare well in the Zuda competition, finishing tenth place in its group. It hasn’t surfaced anywhere else online since its loss, so the continuation of this particular webcomic series may be in doubt. It was created by Cedric Poulat, a French artist who specialized in really nice cheesecake illustrations of popular superheroines. Oh, Zatanna… you can shuffle my deck anytime.

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Juliette is no believer of the fourth wall. She’s all about breaking ‘em. Throughout the comic she’s addressing the readers personally. I’m guessing she’s American, too, what with the Stars and Stripes hanging over the door of her high school. Her English, though, is atrocious. OK, so I probably should cut Cedric some slack, what with English not being his native language at all. (He addresses this linguistic challenge in an interview at Zuda Fan.) Still, since the language is what it is, I imagine Juliette to be living in a particularly Slavic vampire community.

Juliette’s just like any other teen girl with a teen girl life. When she’s not dealing with an annoying prankster of a brother, she’s dreaming of hot boys and hanging out with her peeps at the mall. Oh yeah, and then there’s the vampirism. Juliette is quick to point out several common misconceptions about vampires. Being a vampire doesn’t mean that you’re dead or that you’re afraid of crucifixes or that you can turn into a bat. (Though she can turn into Batman … or at least wear a Batman costume, which is somewhat less impressive.) It just means that you crave the delicious flavor of human blood. Like there’s anything wrong with that!

Since this webcomic is not being HBO’s True Blood with its convenient blood flavored beer, Juliette has to purchase packets of blood from her friendly street corner dealer. She tries to pass it off with something like “Oh ho ho, you silly peoples! This is normal and good practice and I am good all-American girl who does not be taking the drugs.” But seriously, Juliette: do you see nothing wrong with purchasing blood from a skeezy guy in fedora and trench coat? Standing right outside your school? You brought a can of mace with you, right, Juliette?

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Not that drinking the blood straight from the source is beneath Juliette from a moral standpoint. It’s just not in her skill set. First, she turns out to be very bad at climbing rooftops. Yes, you’ll be surprised how essential sneaking into other people’s houses is to feeding the bloodlust. And it can’t be the blood of gross, middle-aged dudes, either. Those guys are totes bloodlust blockers.

Second, it’s hard for her to be “legal.” Now, El Santo, you ask, what in the world does that even mean?

Hell if I know.

There’s a vignette where Juliette is making out with a guy in a car, trying to get into the mood to latch her fangs onto his neck, when she pulls aways and says, “I’m not legal for that….” The greasy ponytailed dude is all frustrated, but Juliette says she’ll be ready in ten minutes. After the time passes, there’s more making out, after which Juliette says, “I’m legal but I’m not interested!” After which the guy kicks her out of the car. I have no idea what the hell happened in that sequence, but I bet it’s killer in France.

Thus, proving to be an utter failure as being a “True One,” yet succeeding at being the “Worst Vampire Ever,” Juliette switched to the pre-packaged variety of blood. The packs are portable as a Hi-C Ectocooler, too, which is a great advantage to the active vampire woman on the go.

Also, Juliette gets snippy with The Grim Reaper, which makes about as much sense as that “legal” sequence. That is to say, none at all.

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Notable contributions to the vampire woman genre:

There is no conflict of interest in being both a vampire and a devout Catholic. Vampire women a very well-rounded that way.

Memorable quotes:

Juliette: “Gimme back my $150 lipstick you monkey boy!”
Brother: “You idiot! You gonna pay for that!”
Juliette: “What you use it for? Ha! More than what you do with the magazines under your bed!”

Important Life Lessons:

When breaking into houses for a quick hit of hemoglobin, it’s strongly advised that you not wear a black cocktail dress and high heels.

El Santo’s predictions for where this story will go in the span of a year:

Well, since Juliette tanked in the Zuda competition, I doubt it will ever make a comeback. In the rare occasion it does, though, I imagine Juliette will compete for the spot of head cheerleader and falls for the hunky high school quarterback, but she’ll totally give him mixed signals with her legal mumbo jumbo. Also she keeps insisting to the reader that she’s not some sort of “young perverse school girl,” but with just enough a leer in her face to make you wonder if she’s being sarcastic.