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El Santo vs. The Vampire Women: My Immortal

My Immortal, a webcomic by someone who goes by Chazie, stars a vampire named Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. I know what you’re thinking, but no… despite the name, Ebony Way is not a person of African descent. In fact, she is very pale. Ebony is a seventeen-year-old vampire, and like many vampires her age, she loves Hot Topic and dresses in a black corset, fishnets, and combat boots.

Also, she goes to school in England. Namely, a little place called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

As the “real” Harry Potter himself explains at the beginning of the webcomic, My Immortalis a fanfiction. Or rather, it is based on a notoriously bad fanfiction written by xxxbloodyrists666xxx. So, yes, dear reader, for my concluding “El Santo vs. The Vampire Women” review, you are in fact reading a post written by El Santo about a webcomic created by Chazie based on a fan fiction written by xxxbloodyrists666xxx which in turn was based on a series written by J. K. Rowling. Will you find any other review with this many levels of absolute raw talent? I think not!

My Immortal: The Comic — not to be confused with My Immortal: The Fanfic, My Immortal: The Song, or My Immortal: the Actual Immortal — has thus far serialized Chapters 1 through 9 of the original 22 Chapter fanfic. While this sounds like dumptrucks full of fanfic, Chazie limits each chapter to one page. The truncated storytelling eliminates a few essential story elements (my favorite being Dumbledore yelling, “They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!”), but for the most part, what you read in the fanfic is what you see in the story … with a few MST3K-like modifications to help My Immortal go down easy.

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For a webcomic that was written to poke fun of the fanfic, My Immortal: The Comic is also surprisingly faithful to the text. It helps when the source material is full of passages like this:

… I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and ted tips that reach my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN if u don’t know why she is get da hell out of here!).

And, by God, Chazie actually draws Ebony with the right hair (at least until drawing the black/purple/red spectrum becomes too much of a hassle) and gives her a passing resemblance to Evanescence lead singer Amy Lee! (Which, by the way, prompts an apology to the real Amy Lee.) I don’t know if Ebony’s eyes are quite right, mainly because I have no idea what the hell a “limpid tear” is.

Back to the story. Ebony totally has the hots for Harry Potter bad boy, Draco Malfoy. And who wouldn’t, what with his injection-molded hair, his toothy smile, and his beady eyes? So when Draco invites Ebony on a hot date to a Good Charlotte concert, Ebony’s heart is a flutter. She’s a little depressed before the concert starts, but that’s nothing that slitting your wrists won’t cure.

After taking some sweet ass pictures with the band, Draco takes Ebony on a little detour to the Forbidden Forest. If this was the book, they’d probably be there to meet giant spiders or centaurs or Midguard giants or the meaning of life or whatever. But, remember, we’re in fanfiction territory. You know what that means: teenages taking off all their clothes and sticking things into holes *wink wink nudge nudge*. Suddenly, our frisky lovers are interrupted by Professor Dumbledore, who screams a line so epic that it easily made my Memorable Quotes segment.

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Later, Ebony runs into Harry Potter, who, for some reason, is also a vampire. So… how did Harry become a vampire? My Immortal is quite coy about the subject, though it does hint that Harry likes the taste of blood. The chin stubble is a nice touch, by the way. Anyway, the Draco/Ebony romance runs into rough waters when, in the throes of ecstasy, Ebony spots a tattoo on Draco’s arm. It says “vampire”! GOOD LORD! Ebony comes to the same conclusion as every Harry Potter fanfic writer and quite a few parent groups: Draco Malfoy and Vampire Potter are totally doing it!

(Damn, girl, that’s quite a lot to assume about a tattoo that says “vampire.” What if Draco’s just a huge fan of the Vampire series of role-playing games?)

Stung by Draco’s betrayal, Ebony runs into the woods cries on the tree trunk where she and Draco totally did it. Guess who shows up? None other than Lord Voldemort himself! (When did the Forbidden Forest suddenly become the Hogwarts celebrity hang-out?) He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named apparently speaks English as a second language, but his intentions are clear nevertheless:

If you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!

He even hands Ebony a handgun, which was awfully considerate. I mean, you never know the kind of weirdos you run into when you’re in the Forbidden Forest.

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Notable contributions to the vampire woman genre:

The name Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way reassures us that that there are vampire women who strongly believe in reflecting your lineage through a lengthy surname. I do wonder about that Dark’ness name, though. Was it shortened from something longer, like “Darkchocolatehotness” but truncated through the inevitable progress of time?

Memorable Quotes:

Dumbledore: “What the hell are you doing you Motherfukers!”

Important life lessons:

If you ever get the urge to write a fanfiction, know that you run a very good chance that some jerk is going to make a webcomic out if it. Now someone get started on illustrating the adventures of Marissa Flores Picard!

El Santo’s predictions for where this story will go in the span of a year:

I suppose I could actually go and read the fanfic to see where the story’s going to end up, but I think I’d have more fun by letting the webcomic surprise me. So here are my predictions: vampire Hermoine Granger, yaoi, sexy Ron Weasley, yaoi, guest appearance by My Chemical Romance, yaoi, yaoi, yaoi.

Posted in comedy webcomic, dramatic webcomic, El Santo vs the Vampire Women, fantasy webcomic, gothic, horror webcomic, manga style webcomic, spoof, The Webcomic Overlook, webcomics Tagged: fanfiction, Harry Potter, vampire