Dear Mr. or Mrs. Reader,
I would like to cancel my subscription to your opinions.
I have been a longtime loyal subscriber for almost two years, having originally been won over by your public action’s ideals, integrity, and overall quality of judgement. When you first popped up as a small start-up, with a few comments peppered here and there on my newsmagazine articles, you made a profound impact, and quickly won my heart.
I have stood by loyally as you charmed editor after editor with your unsolicited words. Many times I could not help but think you had a wiretap on my brain, your words so echoed my own unspoken personal thoughts and feelings. Consistently, you have risen up to the challenge and filled a need in the webcomic media world: we asked for an intelligent audience, and you answered the call.
However, your most recent public-aching, the theme of which seems to be "Mildly Risque Cover Images Are The Devil" has left me completely disgusted. You have chosen to force your opinions on what is "worksafe", what is "proper", and what is "art" on my unsuspecting delicate editorial condition, and I fear the trauma will not soon be forgotten. You didn’t even have the decency to warn me about this beforehand, or offer me some sort of filter option – you just went ahead and voiced your opinion uncut, uncensored. What if some of my kids would have been reading your words along with me? Didn’t you think of the children??
You’re lucky I don’t sue.
You shout headlines berating each of my beliefs and contradict yourself all the way. Your party line used to be "print comics are getting stagnant" and "syndicated strips are dull and drab, diluted by mainstream prudism and conservatism". You would stand on your soapbox, all disheveled and devilishly handsome in the cool breeze, and rally passionately against the establishment – "You are quashing the artistic sprit! You need to let us spread our wings! Stop censoring us!!" You rationaled that the only reason you weren’t rich and famous yet was because of the conservative regimes who were restricting your creative freedoms. You praised those works that dared to cross lines, saying that more people should dare to go against the grain.
Now, when we decide to listen to your rallying call and charge on in the direction of freedom, you suddenly cry foul-mouth? What happened to you?
You used to be cool.
You can be certain that I will be telling my family, friends, and co-workers about this, and do all that is in my power to ensure that they all cancel their subscriptions to your opinions, too. How DARE you express such a thing as a thought that I disagree with! How DARE you not always meet my unpredictably ever-changing editorial expectations and standards!
Since you don’t seem to be happy with us anymore after this one issue, this one time, I can only conclude that my sole recourse is to completely stop reading every single one of your words for the duration of my lifetime, and if I can help it, that of my afterlife, too. I mean, obviously, by committing this one apparent faux-pas against us, it’s clear that you will never again say something intelligent, right?
‘Cause I’m certain that next month, we’ll be putting up the exact same cover again, and the next month after that, and every month thereafter. Sure, we USED to put up a different cover every month beforehand, some better or worse than others. But obviously, this time, we mean to make this one permanent.
So if you could kindly cancel my subscription to your opinions, I’m sure that the world will somehow be a better place.
Or at least that’s what I gather since you seem to be so convinced of the same in regards to us.